Wow. It’s been an action packed week or so in my life. I finished my paper writing for the term on June 9th, and right after that my friend Johnathan and I hosted his friends and family for his graduation, which was on June 13th. For about three days, we had people coming out of our ears. I pulled a herculean feat and got our entire party of 10 a last-minute reservation on graduation day at a good Eugene restaurant, and Johnathan now owes me his first-born. Somewhere in the midst of all that, I’ve been pulling together odds and ends of grad school life. I got my students papers graded, and my orals project got approved. I’ve even got testing dates in order. And I got all of this done while nursing a broken tailbone–I slipped on the steps and really did a number back on the 8th (paper writing was NOT pleasant) and it’s still incredibly painful today.
After graduation, well…I’d like to say Johnathan and I chilled out, but we didn’t. We both spend the past week reorganizing our lives. He was preparing to move back to Grants Pass for the summer (at least), and I desperately needed to do something about my room and car–both of which were bursting to the seams with books and other stored items. Then we loaded my car with his items, drove to Grants Pass, came back, and loaded his grandmother’s van with his bigger items. He’s just left, and I’m still in the co-op in Eugene, in a practically spotless room, and feeling so utterly alone.
Dangnabbit, but I miss Johnathan. He’s become one of the few people that I love beyond measure, and I’m really struggling with the change in our friendship that physical distance is bringing. We have a really rich, deep friendship…we got really close after my family collapsed, and he sort of became the family I chose for myself. I think I’ve been more intimate with him than maybe anyone I’ve ever known, save for my core triad of girlfriends–Shea, Rachel, and Natalie. Johnathan is different, though. I think we’ve had more of a partnership than a friendship maybe. We take care of each other in addition to all the other perks of friendship. And we touch each other more. He’d sling his arm around me as we’d walk down the sidewalk, and we’d cuddle up and talk. This was a huge deal for me initially–I don’t like to touch people. But he broke down a lot of barriers for me, and I grew to love him. It is completely killing me to know he’s not just down the hall and he’s not going to be ever again. It’s not like he’s died or anything…but we’ve just gotten to a point where time and circumstance are inevitably going to force a distance–both physical and metaphorical–between us. I don’t know how I’m going to deal with the loneliness. To be honest, it’s why I’ve scheduled my summer trip home to last for two whole months–from July 1st to September 1st. I don’t know how I can be in this big house if he’s not here and there’s not loads of other people to take the edge off his absence.
I do need to regroup, though, and get my mundane and spiritual lives back on track. I’m going to be dealing with this aching void for some time, but I can continue around it.