Day 100 Redux: Spring Equinox, Balancing Emotion

Oh, man…this exercise was largely why I stopped recording my exercises.  I was–and remain–an emotional blocker.  When something bad happens, I do one of two things:  I either totally break down and sob uncontrollably for maybe an hour or so, then I pull my shit together and come up with an action plan to either fix the problem, live with it or move on or I immediately go right to the action plan.

Roderick’s exercise asks emotional blockers to pick up their crayons and make pie charts of their feelings for the day and for the next several days after.  Which is a pretty cool exercise.  Use logic to help you start noticing emotion again–totally counter intuitive, but totally speaking the language of the blocker.

As I recall, my emotional pie chart for June 10, 2009 was a little red (anger), and a little green (happiness), but mostly brown (neutral).  The next day, though, my grandfather died.  And the next three pie charts had so much red, blue (sadness), and black (fear), that I looked like I had become severely depressed.  I thought I’d return to the exercise when my emotions went back to an ‘accurately representative sample,’ but that took awhile.  And then a lot of things happened where I needed my emotional blocking skills.  I could not have handled my dad’s abuse or being strong for my mother without them.  I had to carry her through a lot emotionally, financially, and–with the move–physically, too.  The most emotion I could allow myself was an occasional panicked text message to Johnathan, Rachel, or Natalie.  Then I’d have to immediately go back to action-Me.

I don’t know that I have any real emotions left in regards to my family implosion.  I’m deeply disappointed in my father–and angry at him, too.  I’m really furious that he hurt Mom and Zachary so badly–and every time I think about Zachary’s suicide attempt, I do feel real fear.  But most of the time I just don’t care anymore.  I don’t even really think about the situation all that much.


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