More sadness

June has been a rough month.  So has the first part of July.  I’m still working through my grandfather’s death.  I’ll be fine for days, and then I’ll think of him and get all choked up.  I had a picture of he and I enlarged.  I’m a toddler and he’s hugging me.  It shows exactly the best of what I remember of him.

That’s not all the sadness I’ve been dealing with, though.  I went back to Indiana for about a month to visit my parents, and it was a trying visit.  My brother Jordan was being released onto parole and was intending to live with my parents for at least a little while.  Something happened with Dad, though.  He’s sort of snapped in a big way.  He can’t stand to be around Jordan at all.  Perhaps worse, now my parents are divorcing.  Mom called me today to try to find money to retain a lawyer.

I don’t really know how I feel about my parents divorcing.  They’re both still my parents, and I still love them both…and I guess they both still love me.  I just wish my dad wouldn’t be so hurtful to my mom.  He’s being downright ugly to her, not to mention not making much sense to me.  I have no idea why he’s going off on these bizarre moodswings.  But he’s causing a lot of hurt.  I don’t like to see my parents in so much pain, for any reason.  I also wish my brother Jordan was a more considerate person.  I don’t blame him for our parents’ marriage ending…but he sure didn’t help matters.  I’m sorry that Jordan is the feckless man he is, but he is that way because our parents encouraged certain of his behaviors and ignored others.  Now he’s selfish and careless.  Dad needed to set a boundary with him…but he went about it in a totally insane fashion.

Now everything’s all cocked up.  I don’t think Mom’s going to have enough money to live on.  I don’t think Dad’s going to have enough to live on, either.  Thinking about this situation makes me sick.

I also have to write a paper very soon, or I won’t get a teaching contract for next year.

Oh Gods.

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