Yeich. I never in a hundred years would have expected to let this project lapse for so long. I would have been just a couple months shy of completion had I remained on track!
I suppose real life intervened in a big way. It wasn’t long after my September 4th post that I quit my job in preparation of moving to Eugene and beginning my graduate work. After I quit, my mother was thrilled to have me at home–perhaps doubly so since she knew I’d be leaving “forever” in just a couple weeks. So my mother was my shadow. Since she definitely doesn’t approve of my religion, that sort of put a damper on really fulfilling the Roderick exercises. Then came the move itself: nearly five days of cross-country travel with my father, combined with a week of fixing up my room in the co-op.
All that was exhausting enough, but then my fall term began. So I was simultaneously trying to figure out this new program and how to basically do my graduate work while also finding my place in the co-op and learning the lay of the Eugene land. Roderick completely slipped from my consciousness. And, to be honest, Wicca did, too.
And my life fell out of balance. I became depressed. I didn’t think I was good enough at my studies, so I procrastinated. By my second term, it became so bad that I essentially did NO reading. Truthfully, I only skimmed some of the secondary readings for my 17th century poetry course and only ‘studiously’ read some of the last critical works in my theory of the image course. That is NOT being a good doctoral student! I had to take an incomplete in my 17th century course (and I still haven’t written the paper for that), but I somehow managed to pull As in my image, German, and pedagogy courses–probably thanks to some truly Herculaen efforts in the last three weeks of the term.
I’m crediting at least part of the progress I made in those last three weeks to my renewed study of Wicca. It could have been another symptom of procrastination; after all, I picked up Phyllis Curott’s Book of Shadows when I should have been reading my poetry. But this procrastination helped me realize that I’d gotten severely out of balance and that I needed to take steps to right the wrongs I’d done to myself. This term I’m keeping abreast of my reading, taking some time to review my weekly schedules, and I’m participating in a Kundalini meditation course. I’ve never been good at controlling my breath, and this is helping me become centered.
I think I’m in a place where I can restart Roderick. It is “more work” in addition to the work I am both paying and being paid to do, but it is necessary. I have a hole in my life. I stopped being open to the spiritual. I forgot the God and the Goddess are within me, and I neglected to honor them. I was empty. I need to start being full.